Sunday, August 27, 2006

Good Morning!!!

I am asleep, and I feel something is moving in my bed .I tell myself : “I am dreaming” and ignore the movement.
It moves again and again, and I can’t ignore it anymore.
What if it’s a soosk? It is getting scary now.
Scared, I open my eyes, and the first thing I see is my window. I glaze at it, and see fresh air and dim light that is starting to grow.

I am stunned by light, but I still don’t know what is moving in my bed, so I take a look at the far end of my bed and I see someone is watching me….I guess he was watching me for a long time and couldn’t waite any longer, so he decided to move and announce his presence

I get up, take a closer look, and wanna say Good Morning!!

but he wants to play. It seems he missed me while I was asleep, so I try to play with him for a while, but washroom is calling me.Unfortunately, I have to leave my bed and its mysterious guest alone now.

Coming back to my room, I wanna breath fresh air ,so I go to the balcony and all I see is light, life, and hope!

Sounds like a good beginning for a sunny day in Van.

Mornings were my favorite part of the day, and I could never believe a friend when she said “ every morning I wake up with pain” .Now, I know what she means. I feel it cause latelyevery day I wake up with pain. It’s the worst feeling ever.

Well, I have to start my day cause I think pain is temporarily, maybe not, but this is what I want to believe.

I have to wake up now or my day will be wasted!

Friday, August 25, 2006

گریه سهم دل تنگه

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I stood there, and witnessed her leaving,and left the airport as soon as I could. I hate AIRPORTS. Simply hate them.
Now I was driving, city was dark, and for the first time I felt like a stranger.
It was so quite, and I decided to push PLAY : Inja ghoroobe nazanin , donya dorooghe nazanin, to shahreh ghorbat zendegi che bi fooroghe nazanin…Vaghti ke tanhayee miad ,setaree dar nemiad , omid mondan nadaram..khashteh shodam az in roozaye bikasi, ey hamseda pas ke bedadam miresi..

Nazanin reminded me of her birthday and how someone kept calling her Nazanin. For the first time Mansour was singing a sad song, so I pressed STOP and looked at that yellow paper that she gave at the last minute; I couldn’t touch it while I was driving. I drove all the way from Airport to downtown and I didn’t feel anything, I didn’t feel the streets, the lights, the signs and the time.
I was lucky that I was in the parking now. I saw the yellow paper again and started reading, it was not easy . Finally, I got to a point that I couldn’t read anymore , so I left the car and went up while I couldn’t stop crying.
I tried to enter quietly. I really didn’t wanna wake my sister up. I went to my bed and in no time she was in my room. That was when I knew no matter how hard one tries , sometimes your effort is just pointless.
I hate crying in front of ppl, but I had to do it .
I couldn’t pretend.
It was my right to do it.
I knew I had to cry or I would never be able to go on with my life .
I remembered siavash ghomeyshi saying:
گریه کن گریه قشنگه گریه سهم دل تنگه
گریه کن گریه غروبه مرهم این راه دوره
هق‎‎سر بده آواز هق‎
خالی کن دلی که تنگه
گریه کن گریه قشنگه گریه قشنگه

So I cried more, and passed out in my bed
knowing tomorrow I have no one to call,
knowing this city will never be the same,
knowing this is life, the ongoing thing that keeps hurting you and fighting you,
knowing I have to gain back my strenght and wake up tomorrow.

Monday, August 14, 2006

"here are some presents from my past to you"

It was two days ago that Dr F. and I were talking about how we made a pact to meet in 10 years and it was yesterday that Papar was talking about it .

Our distance is not an ocean , it’s a Continent, it’s thousand kilometers, and to us that is nothing but a number and its unit( was it SI ?..don’t remember, don’t care and happy to be done with all those craps).
Anyways, this is how we wanted it to be.
I just got so excited when I saw Papar still remembers us , and our promises.
It feels good to know your friend thinks of the same think you do regardless of the number,
to know that you didn't just invest on all the craps from fake ppl to usless courses such as the one with Dr. Li, a woman who could barley speak English and excepted you to answer all of her brutal questions about those stupid plants!!!
It feels awesome to be able to tell your future “ here are some presents from my past to you” , to know that you are taking something with you and that thing is nothing but a friend who still reads the horoscopes and still wanna meet up in 7 years….

Friday, August 11, 2006

That smell...

I was just walking, and suddenly I smelled something. I didn’t know what it was for years and still can’t tell what it is. I just know that I hated it years ago.
What was it? Really, what is it?
Maybe it’s the chlorine smell that was mixed with water vapor, maybe not, who cares!?!?.
I smelled and saw that summer. The summer in which the more I learned about psychology, the more I diagnosed mental diseases in myself, and the more disease I diagnosed, the lower marks I got.
The summer that Papar was learning how to say je t'aime and I was feeling it…
I still remember the day that I went and told her how lucky I was that I was not taking anything other than psychology cause I was sure I would fail it.. I still remember how messed up my mind was.
The smell went beyond that summer, it went to the next fall, the fall in which the black Monday happened…Maybe that smell showed her the way, the way to freedom, the one that was taken away in her golden ages.

The smell was not only chlorine,
it was my loneliness,
my anxiety before organic midterms,
our break downs,
our tea and cinnamon bun breaks,
us, reading and falling asleep on our classical study notes.
It was our conference room every Mon, Wed, Fri right after our virology class, PARABABLY it was our FAKOUS session for our next class …. .

Today while smelling it again, I noticed every thing had changed except the smell .It was the same smell, and surprisingly enough I loved it this time.
To avoid temptation ,I tried to walk faster . It was dangerous, and I knew if I follow it, I would break into tears. Tears of memories, happy or sad.
I knew I was done! Really done!!That chapter was closed forever.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

and in no time I wasn't feeling gravity anymore....

I don’t feel gravity anymore.
I am light, and it’s not because of the sun.
It all happened that day when I couldn’t sit there anymore. I knew if I sat there one more minute, my heart would explode. I had to leave as I couldn’t breath easily. My inner voice screamed at me, and I left my seat.
I ran downstairs and went out of the building, sat down, and looked around like a newborn. I didn’t know what I was doing there.
I grabbed my phone and dialed 604…. hoping to hear a voice, a voice that could listen to me. I talked and opened my heart. I spoke my mind, I expressed me, the confuse wanderer in the rainy city.I talked and talked, and the phone was listening .The more I talked, and the more the phone listened, the lighter I became .
I realized it was time, I had to either take the risk and challenge it or go back to the donjon of my own thoughts; go back to my seat, sit there long enough so I could choke my inner voice and consequently me!
I didn’t want that for me, I wanted to crush that seat to million pieces so I could never be able to miss that miserable empty wooden chair!!
I paused for a minute and my mind saw it, the second chance, and as simple as that I decided to take it .
I knew for sure that I didn't belong to that seat anymore, so I hung up the phone went back to the donjon, but this time I went there to pack up my stuff, my heart and my mind instead of sitting in my chair. I left the building and suddenly I felt light. The more I walked, the lighter I felt, and in no time I wasn’t feeling gravity anymore.......

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Kateh + Chillies

Anyone who doesn’t have a clue about me would take me to a restaurant for kabab, especially koobideh. Anyone who knows me enough can tell that I am the master chief when it comes to making “KATEH” instead of “RICE” and any one who knows me inside out can tell that my specialty is KATEH with some ketchup on top. Well don’t be amazed if you made some kateh that tasted like chuck, you wouldn’t mind some ketchup on top.
These days, I eat chillies with kateh and since chillies are too hot for me , I add some ketchup , hoping the sweetness of ketchup would cover the taste of chillies.
Think about it for a minute and you ‘ll conclude that something is missing in Missing piece’s brain.
Why would anyone eat chillies while one is covering the hotness with ketchup.
What is the point of having chillies then?
Why not just plain kateh + ketchup and no chillies?
I just don’t know and this tells me there are still too many things that I don’t know about Missing Piece.Interesting life, just when you think you know yourself inside out, something comes along and shock you about you!
My passion is learning about ppl ,their character, and their behavior. I try to find a connection between ppl’s attitude and the way they dress, eat, write, talk, and so on.
Now, I think one could easily find a connection between ppl’s attitude and the food they love, so the connection between me and my new recipe ( kateh, chillies, and ketchup)?? hmmm, lets leave this mystery hanging in the air!

In Love Again .

I don’t believe in love, and I believe Love is just the excuse that ppl need to justify their actions, or fulfill their needs.
L O V E by itself is nothing if it is not conditioned by other things. Love is nothing but $ , M.D, ,Obsession, habit,Tiffany & Co,CEO, 11 minutes, , maserati, penthouse, yacht and the list goes on…...
I never thought I would fall in love again, but there I was with "the one" at the same place. The first time we met, I said yeh he is cute , but I never wanted to give my heart away. I have done it before and it’s a huge mistake since the last thing ppl care these days is your heart. That night he tried to make himself sweet and I knew that was a trick , and didn't want to fall for it but the minutes that I started to think about him, I knew I was in for a bumpy ride. After that night, I started talking about him with nam name baroon, thinking about him, and got to a point that I had to see him again, but I couldn’t do anything, I wish I was the type who could approach, but I can’t, it is just not me, I prefer to let go , keep my ego and go through the shit . I am not a fighter and I 've heard that, I can’t be a lover if I am not a sad is that.
I waited.Only God knows how much I hate waiting.
I waited ,thinking about him and wondered if he even remembers me. Just about the time that he was going to be history ,a kind of history that stays mystery for ever( my expertise), I heard from him, and now he is here, by my side, or I should say I am here by his side ;)
He is simply the best,
better than all the rest,
better than anyone,
anyone I 've ever met...
He never makes noises when I am asleep. Eats the same food every day and never complains. Every morning I wake up and see him standing in front of my door, glazing at me, that’s when I can seethe passion in his eyes and feel that he missed me while I was asleep. He literally misses me, isn’t that a miracle ;)
I can leave my place all day, go out, hang out with my friends, come back late and open the door, and seeing him sitting in front of door waiting for me instead of yelling at me and asking me where the hell I was. Tell me when was the last time that some one waited for you so patiently with a heart full of passion.
On the top of everything he is one of the most gorgeous creatures I've seen(Especially after taking a shower ;) , if you don’t believe me , be the judge yourself.

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